a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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