Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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