you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
VODKA 4LOKO BEER NOT IN THE CLEAR
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
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