I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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