everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
Randomize
