I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers
I can't see you
I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
