apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
