i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
