the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Randomize
