Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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