3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Hulk Hogan has now convinced 2 women to marry him & I have yet to have a successful or healthy relationship. I am officially depressed.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
