So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
You're a waste of cheezeits
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Randomize
