soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
