so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
I lost my bra, he lost his virginity. Seems like a fair trade off.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
Randomize
