youre lurking in front of me
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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