im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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