I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
My cat gives me a boner
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
