I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Did my extra credit for a class I badly need to pass at the bar of Friday's.. kind of sum's up my college career. Got a 90 though.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
