??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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