nothing screams I HAVE A PROBLEM! like the case of miller lite sitting on top of my DUI papers in the passenger seat of my car. lol
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
Randomize
