just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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