Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(317): View more from Indiana

I don't apprectiate you insinuating that my breasts have a sort of bremuda triangle effect

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

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(925): View more from California

First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.

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(210): View more from Texas

The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning

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