Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
