You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
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