This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Randomize
