I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I haven't been this sober since birth.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
Randomize
