my room smells like sperm. sweet.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
