Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
Randomize
