This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
This feeling I'm having... is it love or a combination of alcoholism and unprotected rough sex
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
