Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
im in a room full of women tattooing each others tits. i hope i remember this tomorrow
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
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