you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
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