Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Randomize
