Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Randomize
