in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
THIS IS SO HOT. BYE PANTIES.
Facebook is for cat videos and having better lives than people from high school, period.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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