I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
