Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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