nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
She's the one that asked you what my favorite color was & handed you a piece of bacon
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
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