im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
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