Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Randomize
