My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
When we get drunk one of us ends up running off and fucking someone in an inappropriate place, like the roof of the restaurant, or Greece, while the other convinces people not to worry and not to go looking. That good sir is a real mother fucking friendship.
Thats what I'm talking about
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