I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
His dick is as big as my 7" heels... Awkwardness is forgotten.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Apparently I was so drunk last night I got stuck in the revolving door at the hotel. They have suveliance vidoes of it.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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