someone threw a dead crab at me
Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I just want to eat chicken fingers and drink beer and smoke in bed with my laptop so I can watch Netflix
So your not doing THAT great with the break up then...
Randomize
