so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Yeah that's a good idea.. I like to be responsible when I trip my nuts off
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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