I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
he puts the penis in happiness.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
