im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
