even my farts smell like vagina
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Vodka?
Forever.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
It's Scottsdale, it shouldn't be this hard to find drugs.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
Randomize
