you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"
Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
