I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
So apparently I’m into choking now
Randomize