the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
It's situations like these that make me climb out of windows
He has the fingertips of a God
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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