He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Randomize
