Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
