if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Let's run into the wild and just eat berries and have sex all the time.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
Randomize
