ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize