You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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