The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
