YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
but seriously, an anthropology paper shouldn't be hard if you're trashed, right?
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Randomize
