I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
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